Wednesday, January 30, 2008


Mission accomplished!

Perfecting the art - the sequel

Ok, I'm back.
This weekend we're having a dinner party with my bf's friends at his mom's, and I've been required to take at least 25 cinnamon rolls. I've decided to take some filhozes too, so my mother-in-law to be will try them, because she's nice, and I think they will be apreciated. So I've decided to cook them today and freeze them. because I won't have alot of time tomorrow to cook both the rolls and filhozes.

I just put about:
2 cups of milk,
a big spoon of sugar and
half a cup of vgetable oil in a hot pan and let it almost boil. It actually boiled a little.
Then to make it colder faster I put it in another container and etc. You can just wait till it's warm and not HOT, and then get a little bag of 11 grams of yeast in, and let it get moist and foamy. Stir.... then add flour until it's a ball of dough.
Let it rest, go take a shower or something. I've decided to not add any igredientes now, so they don't interfere with the yeast's happyness. I'll add them right after my shower. I'll let it rise for a little over half an hour.

I'll be back later to tell what I added next. Only God knows, so I won' try to predict.

Part II

Back. took a shower, did some streching...
I added :
1 teaspoon of salt
1 teaspoon of baking soda
a big teaspon with baking powder
zest rom 1 big orange, and half of the juice from it
1 big spoon of port win
8 egg yokes

I mixed if with my hand. It had lots of noodles, but they were dissolved after some stirring. Then added more flour to make it harder. I don't want it too hard. they are easier to mold if harder, but makes them more compact and we don't want that. I'm tired by now.
The dough will rise now for a while. 1 to 3 hours. See ya then.

Perfecting the art

This is a portuguese pastry people usually cook around carnival. It's called Filhoz or in the plural: filhozes.
Pronouned fee-low-zeys hahaha. No. I don't think the LH sound exists in english. It's like the double L in spanish, if you can relate to that. Like in amarillo. I'm not good at this, nevermind. You might as well make a new name for it.
It's not even possible to explain how to pronounce things like this in english, I don't know why dictionaries bother to try. I was just making fun of that. It's how a dictionary would explain it problably.
Anyway, they're gooood.... but they have to be done properly. I've been trying to perfect how I do it, and I'm excited. I'm getting closer to te perfect Filhóz. This is a science project of mine.
So I'm posting the recipe of how I will do them the next time I do them. I will use as less milk as possible and more egg yokes and more orange skin.
So I'll use milk, sugar, normal cooking vegetable oil (or olive oil or butter, but I think the oil is lighter and doesn't interfere with how the other ingredients taste), white flour, yeast, Port wine, orange or lemon zest, baking powder, salt, baking soda.
First, put 150 ml of milk in a pan, with 1/4 cup of oil, and 2 table spoons of sugar - the theory is still untested, but i think the less sugar you put the better, because it they'll have sugar coating in the end already....) But anyway, i'll do 2 spoons of sugar. Heat the milk, oil, sugar mix in the pan until it ALMOST boils. This part of the recipe I copy exactly from the cinnamon rolls here except i use much smaller quantities of ingredientes she's using there.
-> Turn the heat off and let it cool untill it's not hot, just warm.
-> Then it's safe to put 1 bag of yeast, or about a table spoon of yeast. Just sprinkle i on top and let it be absorved for a minute. Check the photos on the website above, they're very enlightening. Then give it a stir to help the absortion.
-> Then I'll add zest from 1 orange and maybe a bit of juice from it. I'm keeping in mind I want to add as less liquids as possible because my plan is to add as many egg yokes a I can later on. My theory is that will make them yummier then these from today.
today I learned, I think, how to make them light and fluffy as a cloud. I'll share that later along the recipe.
-> Mix. Start adding the flour now, 2 cups of flour to start to make it pasty. Maybe 3 cups. I want it to be very pasty, then I'll add 8 EGG YOKES!!!!! yes. Maybe more if I go crazy enough. I want them to be bright yellow, because the best Filhozes I've ever had were bright yellow. Maybe even 10 egg yokes. If that doesn't cut it I'll give up and just use food coloring alogn with half the eggs. I'm not using the egg whites because it will make it necessary to add more flour, and that will make it whiter and less flavourful (I want to enhance the orange and port wine flavor....keep in mind this is my theory. I'm learning from trial-error here, along with some reading and some experience. )
Now.... I'll dd the port wine sometime along the recipe. maybe when i add the orange zest. Most people use either the orange OR the port wine, or even lemon, or nothing at all. But his is my recip and I want both orange and port wine. They're not incompatible at all. But one of them might be enough if you want to keep it simple. That might be the best actually. I really want to enhance to egg yokes flavour too. so I might skip the port wine altogether if I have the heart. I'm to attached to it. it's good. I'm hoping all the flavours (orange, port wine & egg yokes) will be present. That's my goal in this recipe. It's very yummy in my imagination.
So, supposing you add the orange zest and port wine (about 2 table spoons by the way) together, now you'll just keep adding flour untill it's a roll of dough that you can punch around.
-> Make a big ball now and let it rest for an hour and a half. The bigger the dough is the longer it should rest. 3 hours is the best. Keep it in a warm place, so the yeast can grow and prosper, with a towel or two covering the pan.
-> 2 hours later it should have tripled it's size. it didn't. This is why cooking is so challenging. I think it might have been either because of the port whine...the alcohol migt have been to agressive to the yeast (this is also why you don't add the salt yet, it hurts the yeast!) or, it was because the milk was still hot when I put the yeast in, and it might have killed it a bit. Or less likely, it wasn't warm enough in the kitchen. But experience tells me unless it is extremely cold, 2 hours would be still enough time for it to rise. The cold makes the yeast slower. So I think it was the hot milk... Anyway, this mistake made me discover how to make them really light and fluffy, this is what I did and what I'll do next time, (because I've been reading bread recipes and this is what they do too), I'll share the secret in a minute:
->I'll add 1 teaspoon of salt, a pinch of baking soda, 2 teaspoons of baking powder. Then, I put olive oil all over my hands and punched and stirred it around a bit, and then - here's the secret to fluffly: let it rise AGAIN! Wait for a couple of hours. I took a nap and then went shopping, and when I came back the dough had risen! More then double it's size. I also heat the pan a bit before leaving. to make the yeast happy.
-> then you just heat a high pan half full of vegetable oill, and deep fry the dough. but first snap the dough into litle balls, flatten them and strech them out like a mini pizza and put them in the very hot oil. when it turn golden brown turn them around. I fry about 3 or 4 at the same time.
-> I was mind set about not having them be greasy, so i wanted my hands to be very oiled so I could mold them without any pointy edges that usually end up burned and greasy, and I wanted the oil to be very hot, so it wouldn't take long to fry and so not absorve alot of oil. Learn from my mistakes: flatten the dough so it won't be raw in the inside and burned in the outside. That's that very hot oil will do.
I flattened mine, streched them actually, like a medium high pizza or less and turn the heat to minimum and they were perfect from then on.
After thy're all nice golden brown take them out into a bowl will lots of white sugar and cinnamon, maybe one or 2 table spoons of cinnamon to 1 big cup of sugar. and roll them around in the stuff. One by one. Then put them in a plate with napkins on the bottom, so they will absorve excess oil. They're not hard to make at all. Frying them can be a pain, because it's usually big quantities of dough. But they're delicious. Great for lunch and even breakafst, or middle of the night. or...the sky is the limit :)
Writing this was more tiring then the baking! Feww...

Q & A session

1. What is your occupation?
Learning to cook by trial-error method and hibernating.

2. What color are your socks right now?
Dirty white.

. 3. What are you listening to right now?
Background sound of the tv and my typing.

4. What was the last thing that you ate?
The thing I'm gonna post a picture of on the post above, called Filhóz. Fried dough with sugar and cinnamon all over it.

5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes.

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
I did a test about this once and it said I would be Plum. I agree.

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
I think my mother, this afternoon.

8. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Yes, she is lovely.

10. Favorite drink? Depends ALOT. On the top are "cafe au lait" , coke, passion fruit drinks, apple juice, water, mango juice....etc. Would be lot easier to say what I don't like.

11. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? I hate all, but maybe olympic diving is the most bareble, or olympic ice skating. ice skating? ...sliding? I don't know. (english is NOT my first language, just so you know)

12. Have you ever dyed your hair? yes.....

13. Pets?
How long do you have? I've had fish, periquits (?) other type of birds i can't name, turtles, many many many dogs and cats, chickens, ducks, turky, a pig, horses, hamster, hedgehog, pidgeons, goats, cows..... I've had dozens of cats over my life and dozens of dogs. But I l remember the name of my first dog, Tobias. And the dog that marked me the most was Serra, a very motherly german shepperd. The cats we didn't even name. I think i've covered the list.

14. Favorite food? Depends on what my body i craving that day. I like internacional food alot, chinese, pizza, indian food!!...

15. Last movie you watched? Ensemble, c'est tout. I loved i. I miss happy endings.

16. What's your Favorite Day of the year? My birthday.

17. What was your favorite toy as a child?Either my pets or barbies. And a bigger doll I had, with gorgeous dark straight hair, just like I wanted to have mine. I loved cutting their hair.

18. What is your favorite, fall or spring?
I'd have to say spring. That's when I get out of hybernation and greet the sun.

19. Hugs or kisses? Hugs

20. Cherry or Blueberry? CherrIES. Plural. I eat loads of them.

21. Do you want your friends to email you back? That would be fun, but i don't think they will since I'm not gonna forward this.

22. Who is most likely to respond? No one

23. Who is least likely to respond? The president of Quenia.

24. Current living arrangements? in a flat with my favorite cousin, and the ocasional gecko.

25. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday.

26. What is on the floor of your closet? old clothes I might wear sometime to paint the house in.

27. Who is/are the friend(s) you have had the longestthat you are sending this to?
Ì don't like to repeat myself alot.

28. Which friend have you had the shortest that youare sending this to?
yeah, it's a great night. I think tomorrow might rain a bit though.

29. Favorite smell? vanilla..ocean... herbs.

30. What inspires you? watching people, music.

31. What are you afraid of? not having support

32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?cheese

33. Favorite car? hm. i'd like to have a convertible bmw, in platinum grey.

34. Favorite cat breed? Ragdolls.

35. Number of keys on your key ring? Four.

36. How many years at your current job? I think since past lifes.

37. Favorite day of the week? Saturday.

38. How many states have you lived in? One.

39. How many countries have you been to? Six. seven if you count the one I live in.

40. Today's date and time: 30th January 2008 10:30


Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Six random facts about me

I was tagged by Devil Mood to write this. :)
I haven't figured out how to personalise links with html here )

Here are the Rules:
- Link to the person that tagged you.
- Post the rules on your blog.
- Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
- Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
- Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

(with a mix of Post Secret to it)

1- I , involuntarily, threw myself over a cliff on a 4 wheel moto at the age of 11, broke a few ribs and got some scars.
2- I learned to drive a car at the age of 12.
3- I have 2 sisters and 1 adopted brother. And yes, my parents are nuts.
4- As any middle child, I'm traumatized. To ilustrate this I can tell you my parents like to tell the story of me in the crib with my 10 month younger sister and I'd cry and then shout her name, so they would think it was her crying, this was meant to make someone come faster.
5- I wanted to be a virgin until marriage due to my faith in God. I changed my mind about both at 22.
6 - I like writing this so much I'm considering writing random facts about me on regular posts. Maybe once a week.

I'm tagging:

Monday, January 28, 2008

Choices in love

Back to saturn, which is now structuring how I live relationships.... I'm having a hard time choosing between passion, romance, fusion, being known and understood...... and a stable partner for life.... with whom to raise a familly and share a nice pretty life, with none of the other things. What kind of life would it be?

I keep thinking if that life turns out to not be so pretty, if there's desease, children with no health... would I cope? the answer is problably not. My inner balance is pretty fragile. I can't afford to make bad important choices. I usually don't.
I feel very anguished about this. It's hard to explain the process through which stability in relationships has become so important for me lately, and how it seems to matter just as much as all the things I don't have.

I'll wait. A bit longer.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Wish board

I thought of The Secret, how they suggest you put up a Wish Board with things you want to attract to yourself, to your life. This is what I tried to do here. Still a few things missing, but it's a good start.
One of them is a puppy. I think my favorite thing in the world are puppies. Puppy breath, puppy cuteness... there's nothing bad about them and they are all it takes to make me happy.
A house by the ocean. Because they make me happy too. All these things make me happy, so I won't repeat it... I see myself coming in to the house one late summer afternoon, it's warm and there's a breeze, smells like ocean. That tree in the picture tastes like salt, and it gives me peace. The house smells peaceful too. It can be silent, or fun, or a myriad other ways but it always feels like home.
A nice kitchen, because my cooking craze hasn't gone away yet, and because I want to make delicious food there and feed friends and familly and pets and take them to other rhelms of gastronomic delight and make them feel mothered, at home. Give my children and loved ones good memories, make them feel safe.
Which takes me to the next photo, the babie and the puppies. I was looking for "comunity, friends" but that photo looked perfect. Pets are our best friends. Humans make mistakes. Pets don't. you don't expect much from them so they won't disapoint. I beleive they are special gifts from God, the teach unconditional love, and teach to live in the moment.
Peace, inside me. Peace when i look back at my past and see the choices i've made and who I've become. Peace in the world. May people be able to detach from their wounds and see things at a larger scale, see we are all one. And when we hate others we hate ourselves.
Freedom, is my highest value in life. I think it's a sin and crime to not allow someone else to do whatever it is they are moved to do, unless it will interfere with someone else's freedom. I hope I have more and more freedom to discover and be myself and help others do the same. It's the biggest gift in life. God gave us freedom of choice, it's what allows us to make mistakes and learn, evolve....etc. there would be alot to say about this.
Last but not least, :) a fireplace to soothe my soul and help me get over winter blues. Cozy.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

mix pics


These are some photos in my hard drive. The cows I took myself. they're very photogenic. that door at Shakeasper and Co is so me..

Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Sequel


The cinnamon rolls I did 2 days ago disapeared quickly and I was asked to do some more for a party in 2 weeks. So I decided to practise some more, see how it goes.

They don't look bad, but I was really depressed with the first set of rolls I took out of the oven. They are pale..... and for some reason the frosting is pale too. I had very high expectations, and now I'm tired and disapointed.
But at least I've learned a couple of things and next time I'll do things better: I'll make the dough a little thicker so it can cook more time and I think it will taste better too, not so sweet. And make the coffee for the frosting a little stronger. And maybe put some butter on them before cooking for a more golden look. I hope that works....

Now i'm waiting for the frosting to get harder so I can freeze them. I'm not too happy though :(

Also the dough has some brown freckles! what's that about? I've done pizza dough and other stuff and that always happens, I have absolutly no idea why. i've seen it in bread that I've bought, so maybe it's not me. Since these are so pale the freckles are more noticable. The frosting made them prettier.

I really wasn't kidding about the craze. I'm embarassed to get into details about that.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Jesus Christ SuperStar - Judas Song

In portuguese...

Judas Super Star

I just came back from the theater. I saw the portuguese version of Jesus Christ Superstar. I liked Judas! See his video above. He kicks ass. Today we got the substitute for the main Jesus Christ, not the one you see on the video above, and I think that was a pitty. If he was meant to be the main atraction, he certainly wasn't today. Judas took over in my opinion. People still applauded Jesus a bit more, but I think it was just for convention.

Overall, it was nice. I'm a bit confused about this play, mixed feelings. I didn't like how they chose to start it: in the first minutes of the play you see images of new york, in a huge screen, almost 3 times the size of a cinema screen, and then you see the 9/11 scenes, the plane crashing..... and... I mean, why?

I know they meant to update the play, and refer to the religious wars nowadays, but it was just not justified and very shocking. I was trying to hold the tears in and not being able to. And I didn't like that, too violent. I shut down emotionally quite a bit after that and was more cinical during the rest of the play. Lack of sensitivity, is my first critique.

Also it's a very flashy kind of show, kind of like Cirque du Soleil, and the production/ setting and the actors were just not up to it, most of the actors weren't that good, problably because they casted them for the singing abilities above all. That was a bit distracting sometimes. I tend to be a bitch with performing arts. I try not to. They make me itchy if they aren't really good. I did gain some respect for actors after doing a workshop of public speaking with an actor a few weeks ago. It can be a real art to use your body and soul to... well, pretend you're someone else. But as it may be obvious along this post, I have a bit of a problem with non realistic things.

The mixed feelings are mostly because the story of jesus is so well known, and most people, and certainly I, have our own interpretation of what happened and how. I guess that is the whole point of the play: to be rebelious and -at the time it came out, circa 1973 - be revolutionary, and show the jewish version of who Jesus was, just a man. They don't show the ressurection. It ends in the death.

note: the following paragraph is a post scriptum edit, so nevermind if it's not too coherent with the next piece of text.

-> I'm realizing Judas is "secretly"- in the sense it's not too obvious - meant to be the hero. He does die in the end, just as Jesus. He dies in remorse. But he does come back! He sort of resurrects and comes back with black wings, some time after in the play! OMG! How ironic. It is ironic that this video above is publicised by a catholic institution, and the voice-off at the theater is a well known radio guy who talks about his christian faith publicly, and the theater was filled with old catholic looking people mostly. This is what saturn -mercury will do to you. I take my sweet time to figure things out. I wonder if other people figured Judas is the hero in Jesus christ Super star. Oh the irony.

Pre insight text -> The characters are very human in a "plutonic" way: very visceral, not mystical or spiritual at all. That is the only original thing in the play. Which i liked but causes the mixed feelings I mentioned, created an opposition between my interpretation of the story and the author's. I think it would have been more realistic to portray the followers of Jesus like a new age cult nowadays, people a little lost and tending to fanaticism, but I guess that wasn't common at all in the pre Jesus era. He started the trend. Before him religions were pretty much like they are now again, mostly conventional rituals, traditions. He began the cult feeling. The spiritual-minority truth-holders-missionary thing. Not enough sociological studies on those.

One thing wasn't either original nor realistic at all. Jesus was a jew, he wasn't a nordic blue eyed blond hair barbie man. He was dark and had a long nose like jews do. He definatly wasn't blond. But that is also the way he is portrayed in the catholic paintings all over my grandmother's house, a barbie doll. Judas is mixed race, of course! In the original play he is dark as night actually.

They - not exactly made a caricature - but made each character into an archetype. The bad and the good. The black and the white. And the purple. This is more obvious in the secondary characters. The priests are very "evil witch". Judas is the more complex one. And he seems to be a bit jeoulous of Jesus and Magdalene sometimes. There's a very gay and sexualized energy to the play all along. A tad of venezualian-soap-opera kind of love triangle. Which is interesting. It's rebelious to wonder the motivations of the people behind such a religious story.

The main characters, Judas, Peter and Magdalene seem to beleive Jesus isn't God, he's a mere man, an iluded man, which they love (and lust) nonetheless. People of no faith!!!! :) Did make me remember that the idea of faith being a good thing began after Jesus. That's when it became real important at least. Before, when Moses was leading the jews accross the desert and they were bitchin all the way, lacking faith, Moses would complain and bitch back, but no problem, God would still send the mana to feed them and keep them safe nontheless. Trying to prove himself to them. After Jesus that changed. no faith, no deal.

I loved Judas, he is extremely talented and a hottie.

III P.S. - In defense of my brain, I have to say it really isn't obvious that Judas is the hero. He is very sexualized and agressive, and a traitor!.. and he's in black, and he commits suicide, and when he comes back with his wings, he comes back in a sort of boys band, they all have black wings. The message that he is the hero is very subliminal. It only came to my attention this play might be a jewish version of the events because I read someone mention that on youtube just now, fecthing that video above. I didn't watch the play expecting it to be anti christ. And they sure don't make it in-your-face obvious like they do with all the other secondary characters. He's a man that beleives what he is doing, though he has a human side too, being afraid of dying. That shows he wasn't a psycho. He is very respected... as a human, never as God. I didn't give that much thought though -just got a little ich at the lack of historic accuracy - because I thought it was acceptable, that will just make the ressurection that much more spectacular... but no. Only Judas came back from death. Judas the hell raising, Jesus lusting traitor.

Jesus is the one that takes center stage at the end and names the play and all! And all the christians go an see it and applaude Jesus at the end.

Oh god. I'm having a saturn-mercury crisis. Do you think I might be retarded? I'll ask my bf if he figured it out. He's usually pretty quick at that sort of thing. If he didn't i'll calm down.

It is very sarcastic that Jesus is portrayed as a barbie man. Shows the shear ignorance people have about who he was. Now I see why this play is such a classic. It appeals to all people, the christians enjoy the publicity to Jesus either way, i'm sure. It's pretty brilliant actually. Not the fact it appeals to all, but the play itself, it's potencially an awesome show in the right conditions.

Maybe I didn't get it because I couldn't understand all the words they were singing, and the acting wasn't that great.

I watched a clip of the Judas in the JCSS movie and he made it a bit more clear that he was a nice person, divided. This Judas today was more raged all the time, crazed. It was confusing. The director might have adapted a little, to make it harder for people to get it. Because portugal is a very religious country, he wouldn't have an audience if people were understanding the message. Really ironic that christian man was the voice off of the play. Ok, enough rambling about this.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Cinnamon Rolls

Aren't these amazing?? I just made them and I'm sooo excited!!
They are freakin delicious! And I think they look beautiful.
I have to go because I'm sending these pictures to friends online and they are coming over right now!

Thanks to Pioneer Woman for this recipe!!! I was reading her blog all night long!
She's alot of fun to read, and there's amazing recipes there.

Be back later!

Saturday, January 19, 2008


Just thought I'd share I'm having a cook craze, it is official. I have been cooking ALOT, and things are delicious, my freezer is packed with food. I want to cook, improve my cooking, eat and feed people. This is what drives me. Venus is conjunct my moon these days. That must be why.

I made the best chicken soup ever. The best roasted meat. The best caccoa balls, the best fruit salad.... what else..? potato salad. banana pancakes. I'm having violent urges to bake home made cookies. which i've never done by myself. I've decided to wait and get proper ingredients and do them tomorrow. also having urges of discovering how to make pizza dough, so I can make the perfect pizza. I use a tomato sauce for pizza which is delicious. then put some canned pineapple in tiny bits, and green pepper in tiny bits and them a mix of cheeses or just mozzarela, it's great. Except I do it with frozen pizza bases and they're ok, but not very exciting. I miss good pizza. There are 3 pizzarias in my island and they are all very good. (the photo is from one of those, i didn't make it) My island has 15 thousand people. I now live in lisbon, which has half a million people, and no good pizza anywhere. I've looked hard. There are some that are interesting but not my idea of pizza at all. Most are just very very bad. This pains me much. I had a very good pizza in a town up north once. 300 kms away.

I still have a fat person's head. Food is so amazing. I've tried drugs once, and it was good, but food is better. It used to be at least. It did change after the bypass. Now I get disapointed often. I expect food to have the same effect as before, and it doesn't. Maybe that's why I like to feed other people now.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Detox ... ?

So... I don't think the enema worked. I wasn't able to get much liquid in, it either didn't move out of the pear no matter how hard i squeezed or moved and most came out and wet my bed. I think a bit went in though. I layed there on my right side for 20 minuted anyway, so the coffee would reach the liver, thinking next time I'll ask if I should lay on my head if I want the liquid to go to my brain and laughing by myself.
I'm stupid, I know.
But some things just don't make alot of sense to a non medical person like myself.

I will try it again, but with water or water and magnesium sulfate, or a proper soap. Maybe I'm too clugged for anything to go in yet. I'll keep trying. Wish me luck. Meawhile I went shopping and am preparing a nice dinner for tonight. :)

Enema day

Seems like today is a good day to talk about how I feel
according to my favorite online horoscope (That's soulgarden, on youtube). Not only me, but all Pisces! Yes....sun sign astrology. Ir works sometimes. I've figured how it works, each sun sign is put on house one.
For pisces that makes aries be in house 2, house of personal values and self esteem, house 3 in of comunication, etc. So today the moon is in taurus, in pisces' house of comunication = a good day to talk about our piscean feelings.
I feel bummed out mostly, a bit unconfortable in the world lately, having weird days and wanting to check out. Feeling intoxicated... I'm looking forward to doing a coffee enema today, for the first time! Hoping it will help me detox and feel more alive and awake. I've been reading alot about it. Here's a good link if you're interested:
I can't wait to do it. I need to go buy the enema at the pharmacy. I've never done it, but feel ready. I'm determined to make it a good experience. I'll have nice music on. And be lying confortably for the 15 minutes. I'm supposed to lay on my right side for that long before I use the bathroom, after having the coffee pour inside the colon. The coffee will meanwhile stimulate the bile and make it pour out into the colon all the toxins in my body hopefully. That's what the doctor said it would do. This is a very taurean subject.
I've done a detox in brazil once. a couple of times actually. and it included colon cleansing as soon as we'd arrive, we had to drink magnesium sulfate in a bit of water and then drink alot of water and it all went to the colon and that washed everything. Truely. I had clean water coming out at one point. This was because I had been there for 21 days, on 400 cal a day, organic vegetarian food, then i left the clinic for 3 days and when I came back I had to take the magnesium sulfate again, but I was still clean, so I had clean water coming from my colon. I hope this isn't graphic in your mind. It isn't in mine. Anyway, now to the good part. My skin has fortunatly never been bad, but it was absolutly perfect then. I felt great. I would eat half a grape or whatever we were allowed to eat at a meal, and 2 hours later, I'd have a bowel movement. Like a clock. Like a baby, or a puppy. That's how it's supposed to be.
I lost 15 kilos in a month there, this was pre bypass surgery. It was very violent psychologically, I was there all alone and it was a religious institution, very freaky one at that. And had a stupid doctor call my father an tell him I wasn't trying hard enough! All because he asked me how I was doing and I was honest, I told him it was hard and I felt the clinic was strange. He didn't like that I guess. I changed to a wonderful cuban doctor after that. I actually kind of fell in love with him, and that gave me strengh to be there.
It was one of the hardest things I've done though. Much harder then anything i've gone though after the gastric bypass. But in the midst of it all, I do remember my skin looking amazing, and not having strange pain or feeling sluggish like I do now, etc. And having energy to get up at 6 am and doing a 2 hour walk, then 2 hours of hidrogymnastics, all in one morning! and in the afternoon taking 1 hour hikes and doing more gymnastics and sometimes playing tennis! Oh, and walking on a treadmill late in the evening.
That was extreme. Some days I did all that. And I wasn't eating. I was doing a juice diet for 2 weeks, but with all the fast weight loss I felt a constant nausea and sometimes couldn't eat at all. That was a 400 cal a day, but somedays I must have been at 200. You need 1000 a day just to make your vital organs function. Have I mentioned how violent it was? it was crazy really. But I learned some good things.
I really really really want to feel good and fit everyday. I want to create a healthy routine for me. I want to be as healthy as ever.
Also I've been feeling a very strong need to express me. My voice, my truth. And ONLY that. This is my saturn opposite mercury I think. I want it badly. I feel so frustrated to see things and not have a voice, not be able to express how I see things. I want to find a way to do it. I don't know how though. I mean, I'm not talking about writing, I want to speak. Speaking is a problem for me. Organizing thoughts. I have mercury in pisces square neptune. I think in images and feelings, confusing ones. and it takes me a while, some times days, to be able to translate them to words. I want to work on this more intensively. Don't know how though.
On a different subject, today in the azores we celebrate girl friends day. Last week was boy friends day. So today all the girls get together, no men allowed, and go party. The local tv station usually reports it. should be fun.
I'll go get ready for my enema. :P I'll let you know how it worked later.
ps- don't know why but I haven't been able to publish this with proper paragraphs! It's so cluttered like this.....:/
let me try some html



Tuesday, January 15, 2008


I changed templates!!

this one feels nice for now. I'm tired of looking. I need to learn to personalize it a bit.

I lost all the comments :( all the links :( and lots of cool things.....

anyway, life goes on. I'll try to get the links back and make the template cooler in the next days or so.

I found this lovely image:


Sorry for the abscense. I've been hibernating and dealing with secondary effects of antibiotics.
my digestive system has gone on strike. Do you have any ideas of something to write about? I'm not too inspired lately..

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Richard Dawkins - The God Delusion

Here's the video I mention on the post below.

On "The God Delusion"

This is one of many videos on youtube about The God Delusion, a best seller book by Oxford professor Richard Dawkins, and my fellow Truth Seeker.

It's anti religion, and anti "God". I haven't read it, but i have figured that much from the videos. He reminds me of me on my atheist phase. He's an aries. He problably has lots of planets in Pisces and I'd guess some in Sagitarius too, and problably has always cared about the issue of God, the Truth, Science...... as I have. Pisces and Sag is the right recipe for a Truth Seeker.

I agree with his arguments (the ones I was able to see on a few videos). I wish I could list them here because for me, being an atheist was the process of learning to think rationally and abstractly. Some people achieve this hability by the age of 21 but many never do and thinking about these things might stymulate readers minds, which is always a healthy thing.

I came up up my own most brilliant atheist arguments, I didn't read them anywere, I was actually struggeling to be able to have faith again, after having built my life on the christian faith, but my mind very suddeny kept coming up with arguments against it. I must have increased a few points in IQ those couple of years. I can't talk about Richard's Hawkins arguments, just say i agree with the ones I heard, and take this chance to briefly talk about where I stand about this god thing.

I wish I could hear R.H. talk about the shortcomings of the scientific method. All reality isn't palpable, measurable..etc... we're surrounded by images and sounds that tv's and radios can translate but our senses can't. animals hear sound waves that we can't, and so forth: the senses are very limited. And so is the scientific method in dealing with certain issues such as the existence of God.

In some videos he seems angry about it all, I imagine he might feel as if he spent too much time of his life running in the wrong path, as I once thought, or maybe he's just angry because he beleives that religion is stoping millions of people from having real lifes and keeping them from the Truth, and all that it implies... (Our beloved Truth. My sag moon NEEDS the truth to a fault, to pathology). I felt like that, untill later i realized there is no wrong path...... All paths are right, for different people at different times, and even though some seem to have very bad effects on the world, you need to let them be, because they will be corner stones to a broader view along the way. That sure relaxed me more.

I hope he is able to continue to be a true scientist, as curious for the Truth as before, whichever new paradigm it may be, and not let his book become his own religious dogma, the final thing. It's not fun to be angry very long, or seeing things in black and white like his opposers do.

I see that whatever upsets you alot is your own shadow, no matter who or what is wearing it at the time it upsets you. Because people tend to have the same faults as the Other they are projecting upon . See how Bush claims to hate the terrorists and ended up being the worst one of all? That's how it works. He's at excatly the same level as they are. If your level of conscience/awareness is higher then someone's you don't ever feel very affected by them because you understand and simpathize with their different path /or ignorance, because it's where you once were yourself, and have been able to love yourself to the next stage. If you do get affected then look closely at what it is that affects you because that is your greater teacher about yourself, your mirror. You will be affected by someone if you still hate the part of yourself that you see in them. Learning to love who you are and where you are, and treat yourself like a lovely child learning it's lovely way through life, that's were you will find wisdom, peace, and God.

God is around, available, and it's essence is Love. That's the best definition I've found so far. Wherever true love is, you'll know you're close to the Source. Romantic love isn't usually the most pure form of this Love.. but it's a nice way to start grasping it, if that's what's available. The bible calls it Agape love, it's closer to brotherly love. unconditional, accepting. To love means to unite, accept, include in yourself.

If people are truth seekers at heart, they will find the truth.

Me, I've found that there are lots of things spiritual, all kinds.. i'm not familiar with most of them. Some people talk about lost spirits, demons, angels, spiritual hierarchy and whatnot. I beleive there are things out there, don't know exactly wht they are. They'll let me know if i need to or when I need to. I beleive in the Goodness of God. I have experienced extreme love and guidance, wisdom, when closer to the Source, in spirit.

I'm very inclined to beleive in reincarnation after having a few regressions and just realizing it explains so many things, like why people are already born with different characteristics, temperaments, personalities (psychology hasn't been able to figure that out in a way that would satisfy me).

It also explains my phobias. The can be defined as intense irrational fear of an object or situation. I beleive phobias usually come from bad past life experiences, usually ways in which one died. I have a phobia to water taps that don't work. I panick and it feels like I'm about to die. It is the worst experience for me to come accross a water tap that isn't working, or even a sewer in the street rushing water out.. Ok, i'm freaking out now just thinking about this. (*breathe....think of something else, something nice*) People with phobias will understand. Others won't. But loads of people have phobias. I find them fascinating.

I once asked my spiritual guide to show me a past life that had had the most impact on the present life and in that life I happened to have drowned inside a ship. The water was coming in from a huge tube in the ceiling.. That death was traumatic because my soul did not accept it. Not my ego, because that would be pretty normal, but my soul didn't, and that's alot like God not accepting something he caused himself. It's not a good thing. Once you dissociate that much with your soul it causes a few problems. In my case it caused a big part of me to not want to be born again. Not accepting death is just the same as not accepting life. Because there is no death really. Just cycles, of learning and maybe helping others if you choose to come for that reason.

But back to the subject, in psychology classes I've learned phobias can generalize to similar objects. e.g. someone with a phobia of tigers might become phobic of felines in general. So I figure the tube with uncontrolable water coming was registered intensely in my soul's memory as a very dangerous "stimulus" and originated the water tap phobia, making me feel like my life is threatned when I'm in that situation. Reincarnation explains this. This made me learn how important the present really is, it can mark your soul forever, actually not only it can, it does! Either for good or bad. Even when you are able to heal yourself, the experience is still there, with a different meaning now, but it's all registered.

I'm learning to define who God might be by my own experience, it's a very slow but steady process.

One of the things I learned and won't let go of, from my atheist phase, is that only first hand experience is good enough if you are seeking the truth. It's great to hear about all kinds of things but I wouldn't advice anyone to invest too much in something that doesn't make all the sense according to their personal experience. Because your life is made of choices, make them as smartly as you can. I try to.

Maria Flavia de Monsaraz, an astrology teacher, and honorary Truth seeker, usually says she doesn't teach anything, she just reminds it to people, in the sense that our souls recognize the Truth when they are in their presence. It makes sense. But I also notice what makes sense at some point in your life might haven't always. If you weren't ready for it before.. timing is very important in all this. Chill (but be smart in your choices), and learn to love, is what I try to do now.

Thursday, January 03, 2008


This photo is by Eric Francis. He has a mind blowing photo gallery on planet waves, his link is on my link bar... this is somewhere in Paris, maybe in a place called shakespeare and Co.
I don't have permission to post the picture, I didn't ask. I hope he won't mind. I've been meaning to write to him, to say how cool I think he is. and maybe to correct the name of the former portuguese prime minister which he got wrong somewhere in his photos of some european politicians where he was..
This post isn't about Eric though. I just wanted to say i've been a bit sick. I get low fevers every one in a while in the last 2 weeks. And I get tired and in pain. It sucks. I'm hoping it's a half dead flu virus and not something more serious. i've thought it could be leuchemia and fybromialgia (spelling?) . I get a bit hypocondriac sometimes.
In a couple of hours i'll be having my first neuropsych. post grad class. It'll just be an introduction. not a proper class. I'll need to leave sooner because it's right on the main avenue in the city and it will be rush hour soon. And i don't enjoy public transports that much, besides I can't get tired. After the class there's a party to go too. a new volkswagen is being launched i think. Not sure at all. but my boyfriend was invited and I will go too if i'm feeling up to it.
I wish i'd be talking more about my saturn transit. But I think this might be the kind of thing it takes a while to digest, you can only talk about it a while after it's done.... I miss places like the one on this photo. childhood felt like that.